Diary: Confidence

You would not believe the amount of posts that I start writing and then stop because I think that it sounds like mindless waffle.

I’ve always been a bit of a story teller. At a party you would always find a friend saying “Rochelle tell him that story of when we were younger…” and I will tell it and I’ll put my all in to all the details and emphasise moments and people will laugh. And then they’ll say something like “You should be on stage!” And I think to myself I could not think of anything worse.

I absolutely love making people laugh but I have no confidence or self esteem. I’m trying so hard to work on that at the minute but it really is a tough thing to fix. How do you learn confidence when you don’t even like yourself?

I was telling Martyn the other day how I would love to complete a task and think “wow you’ve done a good job there”, but I finish something and even if its done correctly and well I still pick faults at it and tell myself I should have done better.

I live inside my head. I know there will be a lot of people who fully understand this phrase but I’ll spell it out for you if not.

I know exactly how I wish to be perceived, how I want my answers to sound, and what I want other people to say.

I have an exact image of how something should be and if the reality doesn’t quite measure up, I take it personally , get upset and feel disappointed.

AND I’ve always been the sort of person who seeks confirmation that I’ve done something well, I’m unable to make that decision myself. If a few people tell me how great something is I start to believe them but I can’t do it on my own and it is so depressing to be like that.

Everyone has always said to me you shouldn’t care what other people think, but I care (on the inside). I won’t let it show that I care but I will go home and replay peoples opinions in my heads over and over.

I know accepting who you are  and being comfortable in your own skin comes with age and I am only 24 but I wish it would hurry up.

I’m making a conscious effort to stop looking at other people and wishing I was more like them. I’m so guilty of looking other girls and admiring their figure and their confidence and thinking I’m going to be just like them! And then I go home and wear black and change my hair before I leave the house because “maybe it looks tooooo out there.”

Martyn is constantly encouraging me to dress more confidently because I know that he see’s I pick clothes that hide me. I’ve come to terms with the fact I’m never going to be a size 10 model and that’s OK but if someone could send a surge of confidence or some tips on how to dress that would be brilliant because I haven’t got a clue.

I love Hannah Gale’s style and the way she portrays herself and I just wish that I could do that! I need a little surge of cash into my bank account so I can hire myself a stylist who will go shopping with me and buy stuff that fits nicely and makes me feel good.

It annoys me because it hasn’t always been this way. I used to have so much more confidence and dress however I wanted and I really didn’t care but over the years doubts have crept in.

So yeah, I’m going to really try and feel good in what I wear because confidence really does show. I know because the girls I admire the most know what they’ve got and they flaunt it!

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